It’s a fact of life: we all will die, even Larry King. Abe Vigoda finally did, so it really is inevitable. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Loved ones will weep, bills will keep coming, and people you hardly knew will spit on your grave. So be it. It’s your funeral, so you go out the way that you want to. The way you deserve to.
Boozedancing recognizes your needs as well as your love of whisky in the dark, sad times that we all will experience after a lifetime of pain, heartache, financial ruin, despair, and not enough sleep. We share that love of whisky, and we’re going to cheer you up with it on your way out. We want to help you on your way to a better place. Boozedancing Funeral Services™ was created to make your transition to the afterlife (no, we don’t require you to believe in one) something that you’ll be proud of, something that will be right up there with the best dram you ever had.
Boozedancing Funeral Services™ (not affiliated with the Columbia Broadcast System) offers many services and products for preplanning or for those who like to wing it on the road to the great barrelhouse in the sky. Some of these services and crafted products include:
Boozedancing Barrel Stave Caskets™ made of wood from your favorite distillery. Imagine what your pallbearers will be thinking when they carry you in a beautiful Makers Mark ex-bourbon casket from Lagavulin. They will gladly carry you to your final resting place with that gorgeous smell on their hands. Our artisan death cooperage – Boozedancing CasketWorks™ – takes those well-worn barrels of the whisky of life and transforms them beautifully into vessels of death. For you.
Want to be buried with your favorite whisky? We offer the NoLeakCasket™ that can be filled with the whisky of your choice after you are laid to rest inside. The bung is hermetically sealed but can be popped open in later years so your loved ones can pour a little of you, and toast your memory. Additional charges for exhumation will apply. The optional glass windows are a nice added touch if you’d like your family and friends to see you happily suspended in and surrounded by your favorite spirit. Our Spirit Safe Casket™ option is available for a more industrial look, and a sub-option is a constantly cycled and flowing water or spirit that runs via a solar-powered pump making this a very authentic post-mortem distillery experience.
The Angel’s Share Option™ is a spin on the whisky filled caskets for those wanting another true experience. 4-8% of your body’s volume will annually be removed and “given” to the Angels. Typically this is done on the anniversary of the death but can be done on birthdays, anniversaries, your favorite holiday, World Whisky Day, or even Super Bowl Sunday. Angel’s Share volumes are donated to local farmers for fertilizers. Truly the gift of the Circle of Life in your name.
Want to spend eternity in a worm tub? We do too so we offer WormTubRest™. We’ve scoured the globe for used worm tubs and are honored to offer this as your heavenly resting place. Body compaction is extra but well worth it.
Boozedancing Copperworks™ is now running 24/7 to weld beautiful StillCaskets™. These stills are crafted down to your earthly volume dimensions giving you a very special final copper resting place custom sized to you. Hammering and Welding charges may apply depending on your final size. The kids like to call it a “totally tubular way to be buried”, and we so agree with them.
Are you a Peat Freak? We offer Cremation by PeatFire™ in our Boozedancing kiln purchased from an undisclosed distillery in Scotland. Options include various peats from around the world. Want that soft heathery smell of a Highlands whisky or a rich, salty Islay smoke coursing through your earthly shell? It can easily be done and we’ll even bottle up some of the smoke for your loved ones for the mantle at home or that desk at the office. Your next of kin will be honored to toss a shovel of peat onto your burning remains to help you along your way. Coming Soon: The Viking Pyre™ on a loch or body of water of your choice.
PeatBed™ is another great and popular choice. Your body is encased in a human size brick of freshly dug peat to decompose with the decaying vegetation surrounding you. A common option is to have your generations a thousand years in the future excavate the Peat Brick That Is You for home heating or malt drying.
Many of our customers have said they want to be laid to rest like Whisky’s beginnings. We listened and created the FinalGrist™. Your body will be dehydrated and ground up, then run through our Porteus Death Mill to the exact grist formula that you want. YourGrist™ can be interred in various ways.
We’re happy to also provide various vessels for your cremated or YourGrist™ remains:
A simple choice is an empty bottle from your favorite Whisky. You can provide one to us or we can obtain one of your choice. The higher of current retail or auction prices apply. Note that we will not use any Fireball bottles as per company policy. If you were on the Plus Size, we also have 1.75 ml and magnum bottles. Also note that a final corking charge will apply.
Do you have a favorite whisky glass? Boozedancing Whisky GlassWorks™ has standard and popular styles enlarged for that Final Dram of You. Rather fade away in a non-standard glass? We’ve made beer steins, wine goblets and even a replica of the Stanley Cup! All Boozedancing Whisky GlassWorks™ Glasses come with a guaranteed exact-fit cover.
Multiple deaths in the family or amongst your Whisky loving friends? No problem. We’re happy to provide vatting and blending options to any of our services.
Casket Markers, Headstones, and Labeling. Our staff includes skilled artists in wood hot-branding, stonework, masonry, caligraphy, and Adobe Illustrator. Your ideas will come to life, so to speak. Already have a design? We accept various files types including JPEG, TIFF, GIF, BMP, and PNG. Note that all Labeling will need to be approved by the TTB and will take 6-9 months minimum for approval, if you’re lucky.
Augmented Reality has come to Boozedancing Funeral Services™. Allow your loved ones to see you go through any of the aforementioned processes right from their own home with our special ARBoozedancing Glasses (WhiskyVision™). They’ll be able to see the happiness on your face, back, feet and elbows as you move along in your grand whisky journey. They’ll even be able to give you a hug and have a last dram with you! And they’ll be able experience this beautiful moment whenever they’d like.
Life is Beautiful. Death can be too. And if you’re doing it with whisky it may actually be better than life. Go figure. Boozedancing Funeral Services™ is here to make the transition easy and lovely for you and your loved ones.
Now accepting BoozedancingBucks™, all major credit cards, including your BoozedancingCard™ (earn points and savings today!), and ApplePay!
Categories: Booze Banter, Boozedancing Funeral Services
How long before we can franchise this endeavor?
Please direct all complaints to the West Coast Office!
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Complaints??? We’re doing God’s work here! And Satan’s too.