Programming on the Booze Dancing Television Network for the week of April 6-13.  All times are EST but your mileage may vary. Please note that due to the potential writer’s union strike, all programming may be, without notice, substituted with a very pretty, geometric, and mesmerizing test pattern with a slowly spinning Booze Dancing logo embedded with clever and rather pithy tweet-like glib phrases as well as images of naked ladies taken from NBC when they had similar labor issues way back when.

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Weekday Mornings

2:00 am  Test Pattern

5:00 am  Morning Devotions with The Alemonger.  Kind of like religion if you really stretch the definition of “religion” and “kind of”.

6:00 am  Wake-Up With G-LO. Our award winning morning show hosted by G-LO & his zany gang bringing you the latest in news, weather, and spirits. Guests this week include: Foster Brooks, Otis the Drunk, Dean Martin, and Kathie Lee Gifford.

7:00 am  Downward Facing Blog with G-LO. Exercise. Yoga and plenty of resting. Not available in HD.

7:15 am  Off the air due to maintenance. In 3D.

7:30 am  Random infomercial with fake British accent guy.

8:00 am  The Art of Clean-Up.  Educational. Washing those Glencairns, stolen cocktail glasses, and beer steins from the night before has never been more fun. And it’s German Industrial Music Week! Host: Libby Arenstein

8:30 am  The $25 Wheel of Whisky. Game show. It’s Parolee Week!

9:00 am  Movie Time with G-LO. “Rio Lobo” starring John Wayne.

12:00 pm  Off the Air. Lunch time for G-LO.  Go make a sandwich; G-LO will.

1:00 pm  From Here to Fermentation. Emmy award winning daytime drama. Siobhan knows the truth about Danny and Cate’s trip to the malt house. Michael gets an unexpected visitor from the GlenDocrivers Distillery. Port Absolution readies for the Apocalypse. Again.

2:00 pm  Whisky Shopping Network. Shopping, duh. Fireball Extravaganza sale! It’s always Black Friday on WSN.

3:00 pm  Dr. Limpd’s House Calls. Travel. Join Dr. Milo T. Limpd as he visits random homes in suburban eastern seaboard communities, making himself welcome (and lunch), while almost caring about the homeowner’s problems all in the name of checking out the liquor cabinets of the middle-upper middle-class. “Who buys this stuff?!!”. Don’t forget to answer, “NOW WE KNOW!”

4:00 pm  Happy Hour with Miracle Max.  Drinking. Join the Miraculous One wherever he is for well drinks and the Brew of the Day.  Location announced on boozedancing.com 15 minutes prior to air time.  Note: Booze Dancing TV’s legal department won’t let Max buy you a drink, but he will make fun of you for free.  Bring a pen to sign a release form.

5:00 pm  “Rio Lobo” highlights.

5:30 pm  The Booze Dancing News.  Talking bobbleheads Sharon Myles and Dave Summers.

6:00 pm  The Booze Dancing News in Black & White.  Talking bobbleheads Sharon Myles and Dave Summers.

6:30 pm  DramBusters.  Reality. Syndicated programming.

7:00 pm  How Are Drams Made.  Reality. Syndicated programming.

7:30 pm  Diners, Drive-Ins, and Drams.  Reality. Syndicated programming.

Weeknight Programming

Monday

8:00 pm  The Booze Is Alright.  Comedy. Nick gets to Paddy’s Pub late to meet the gang after forgetting to change his clocks for daylight savings time, while new girlfriend, Sally, Ubers it for a night with the girls at The Feisty Ladle. Guest star: Angie Dickinson.

8:30 pm  Make It Neat.  Comedy.  Brenda and Jill rent out the brewery for an “easy money” bar mitzvah party but little mensch, Jacob Schwartz, has his own ideas.  Oy gevalt!

9:00 pm  Grist.  Drama. Detective Grist closes in on the PX Killer before he kills again while ex-wife, Janet, marries Slocum, his former partner, and, you guessed it, drinking buddy.  Guest star: Jerry Seinfeld

10:00 pm  Booze Dancing In-Depth.  News Magazine.  The team investigates the case of the cargo container of missing Snappy Vanderbilt whisky from China, and its worldwide impact as the barrel price of whisky drops to historic lows freaking out bloggers, joggers, and old codgers.

11:00 pm  The Booze Dancing News.  Talking bobbleheads Sharon Myles and Dave Summers.

11:37 pm  Relatively Late Night with G-LO.  Variety.  Guests: Angie Dickinson, Wu-Tang Clan, Jimmy “JJ” Walker.

12:00 am  “Rio Lobo” Marathon

Tuesday

8:00 pm  Live from The Barthenon!  Variety.  G-LO and the crew shoot the proverbial sh*t while exploring beer and whisky from around the world and around the table.  Musical guest: KISSS (not KISS)

9:00 pm  Crafted.  Competition. Teams compete to grow and harvest grain, distill, ferment, age and bottle a winning whiskey in 60 minutes. Host: Altoona Browne.

10:00 pm  Once Upon a Dram.  Due to pending litigation with a very large media company, we cannot offer any other information.

11:00 pm  The Booze Dancing News.  Talking bobbleheads Sharon Myles and Dave Summers

11:30 pm  Relatively Late Night with G-LO.  Variety.  Guest Host: SarahMaxPix. Guests: Allison Patel, Susannah Barton Scrivens, The Olsen Twins, the puppy from the Budweiser commercial.

12:00 am  “Rio Lobo” Marathon

Wednesday

8:00 pm  Pretty Little Labels.  Food.  Limpd continues his quest to find the best marketing and packaging to camouflage the worst that the beer and spirits industry has to offer.

8:30 pm  Taste This!  Food.  Host Sherry Baum leads a tasting of this week’s new releases of whisky, whiskey, whiskie and hwhiskey.

9:00 pm  Monocle.  Reality, stupid reality but reality nonetheless.  Intrepid reporter Trevor Glass investigates hipster culture in America and related topics. Tonight: Actual mules from Moscow take their case to the FTC; SuperCuts isn’t happy about the bearding of America; Seattle called and wants their flannel back.

10:00 pm  The Booze Dancing Report.  Current Events. The panel discusses Israel, Bullying, Congress, Love, Airplane Food, and Anti-Intellectualism in 19th century French poetry. Panel: Limpd, Miracle Max, The Alemonger, SarahMaxPix, George Will.

11:00 pm  The Booze Dancing News.  Talking bobbleheads Sharon Myles and Dave Summers.

11:30 pm  Relatively Late Night with G-LO.  Variety. Live from Rdbegg Distillery. Guests: Liam Neeson, Liam Gallager, Noel Gallagher, Gallagher, The Unknown Comic, and Adam Carolla.

12:00 am  “Rio Lobo” Marathon

Thursday

8:00 pm  Highland Park 90210. Undefined. Thor gets nervous about asking Sigrid to the funeral pyre for Erik the Plunderer. Iver and Freja take her father’s fishing boat to the Isle of Cra (pronounced “dead Viking warrior with a big ax”). Tordis considers leaving Hvergelmir because he can’t spell her name. Drinking game: have a dram every time Tordis misspells Hvergelmir.

9:00 pm  Thursday Night Pinochle Stars. Sports. Taped at The Barthenon.

10:00 pm  Dramming with the Stars. Variety. This week G-LO invites his famous Philly friends over to drink as long as they bring their own! Guests: Kevin Bacon, Kevin Bacon’s brother, Parker Stevenson, Danny Bonaduce, Bradley Cooper, Julius Erving, and Kat Dennings.

11:00 pm  The Booze Dancing News. Talking bobbleheads Sharon Myles and Dave Summers.

11:30 pm  Relatively Late Night with G-LO. Variety. Live from Castle Cruimh-Shionnachain. Guests: Liam Neeson, Liam Gallagher, Noel Gallagher, Peter Gallagher, Gallagher, The Unknown Comic, and Adam Carolla.

12:00 am “Rio Lobo” Marathon

Friday

8:00 pm  The Wide World of Whisky. A hologram of Sebastian Cabot narrates our weekly hand-crafted story. Tonight, a man builds a still. Starring Ewan MacGregor’s brother.

8:30 pm  Mad Men, Madder Women. Dramedy. Pilot. At press time, no information was available on plot, cast, sub-genre, pathos, era, musical score, budget, CGI, special effects, British version, sponsors, subtitles, book/short story/magazine article/Lennon-McCartney lyric based on, or font for opening and ending credits. Great title though, huh?

9:00 pm  The Friday Night Movie: Rio Lobo. Starring John Wayne.

11:00 pm  The Booze Dancing News. Talking bobbleheads Sharon Myles and Dave Summers. It’s not snowing, so Weather Bunny Person, Kaytlynnn Sunnshyne (hubba hubba) will be there to point at temperatures, look hot, giggle, and hopefully not trip over the leash of that cute Golden Retriever who needs adopting from the local animal shelter.

11:30 pm  Relatively Late Night with G-LO. Repeat from Monday night.

12:00 am  “Rio Lobo” Marathon

Saturday

6:00 am  Booze Dancing Cartoonapalooza. Children. Captain G-LO and Limpd the Pirate keep the kids entertained (while you sleep) with cartoons from old DVDs, and tales of their previous nights at the Barthenon. Free pizza!

10:00 am  Sports, Reading the Newspaper, More Sports, Craft Beer, Sleeping, Sandwich Shop, Not Doing Anything Else Really, Whisky. Anthology. 6 hours seems about right.

6:00 pm  The Booze Dancing News – Weekend Edition. Talking bobbleheads Sharon Myles and Dave Summers. There’s no news on the weekend so this is really two hours of “information” on farmer’s markets, street fairs, road closures, free concerts, 5k runs, and restaurant reviews of places you’ll never go, and movie reviews of films you’ll never see until they’re On Demand or on an airplane.

8:00 pm  America’s Test Distillery. Food. The staff takes all the over-priced, worthless, bizarre grains they can find at at Whole Foods back to the test distillery to make really awful whiskey. What will beat out last week’s Engineered wood flooring smoked Single Malt Couscous Whiskey finished in peppermint Schnapps?! Also, a new narcissistic staff member is added to replace the old one who left to start GlenMe Distillery.

8:30 pm  America’s Test Marketing Department. Food. The design staff makes ultra-retro cool labels for bottling really awful whiskey from the show at 8:00 pm, then gets the “product” on the website faster that you can say “make me a Red Edison with really Awful Whiskey, barrel aged bacon bitters and a dash of ennui; over helium-infused iced.”

9:00 pm  PIZZA!  Food.  Award winning series featuring the very best annoying, arrogant chefs showcasing their handmade, craft, artisanal, paleo, cardboard tasting pizza. Tonight, Chef Antoine bakes a pie covered in urban herb-crusted shrimp with pineapple, Peruvian goat cheese, garlic yak testicles, and organic crabgrass in his new hybrid nuclear-powered pizza oven with the latest in Iranian Mini-Reactor® technology. Please watch this one from at least 8′ from your television, and stay the hell away if you have a pacemaker or iPhone 4S.

10:00 pm  Booze Dancing CSI. Drama. Special Agent Aaron digs deep into the whereabouts of a missing tweet that is masked in sarcasm and irony.  The CSI team writes a super duper hard algorithm to search Deep Twitter and uncovers the underside of the depths of the bowels of the underbelly of Twitter, and it isn’t pretty. Parental guidance suggested, but not enforced.

11:00 pm  The Booze Dancing Weekend News. Talking bobbleheads Sharon Summers and Dave Myles.

Sunday

7:00 am  BDTV Sunday Morning. Magazine. Thoughtful pieces with plenty of scenes inside bars, mini-micro breweries and distilleries, and sounds of liquid, presumably whisky and beer, running a tad loudly almost like there’s a plumbing problem. Expect frequent bathroom runs.

8:00 am  BDTV This Week. Magazine. Segments on British film maker Nigel Nigellson; the science of deep-fried craft beers; the art of cocktail napkins; the love of peat; the essence of hops; the innocence of yeast; the vapidness of evaporation; the dog days of summer.

9:00 am  BoozeNews. News. News, discussion, analysis from the week of booze and dancing, without the dancing. Guests: Sen. Jason Lewis on the pending legislation to allow craft distilleries to sell swill and call it “single malt swill”. Saskatoon Mayor Michael Carter and the effects of the black market faux rye trade in Saskatchewan. Round table discussion with Miracle Max, Limpd, G-LO, Wayne Gretzky.

10:00 am  It’s Sunday so Sports, Reading the Newspaper, More Sports, Craft Beer, Sleeping, Sandwich Shop, Not Doing Anything Else Really, Whisky. Anthology. 6+ hours seems about right but that ain’t gonna happen. What are you thinking? Enjoy what’s left of the weekend, jeez.

4:00 pm  Put It On Our Tab. Community Affairs. Host Hector Cohen-Kalayjian looks at the civic issues in our fair city that effects us all like why does Mikey’s Wine & Spirits Emporium only employ burly white women with tattoos of barrels, anchors, motorcycles, socket wrenches, AR15s, and bunnies when my cousin Harold really needs a job? Also, the new law banning barrel-aged chocolate milk in our schools is discussed with Superintendent Dwight Chamberlain and Magruder Elementary student, Kelsey (11).

5:00 pm  The Booze Dancing Weekend News. Talking bobbleheads Sharon Summers and Dave Myles.

6:00 pm  Only 1 hour until you can start watching good stuff on one of those fancy premium channels.

7:00 pm  Click