Booze Banter

Whiskileaks: Tales from NYC Jewbilee VI [or “Lights, Camera, Redactions!”]

Whisky Jewbilee VI was a roaring success in New York City not more than a few weeks ago. The Boys of the Jewish Whisky Company bring the fun o’ plenty and a smorgasbord of Kosher chow AND new whisky like their own new retail line, Westland’s Garryana 2017, Amrut’s Spectrum, and all of the 2017 Feis Ile Islay Festival Bottlings (!).  But as usual, and happily, it’s seeing all of the great friends and whisky family all in one place that makes Whisky Jewbilee so, so (not so-so) special! It’s like Thanksgiving without Uncle Leonard ticking off Grandma because she forgot to put sage in the gravy…

C’mon Leonard, give Granny a break and get back to your kanoodling with the new 24 year old wife (that’s her real hair color?!) and pass the dark meat and bourbon. You’ve had plenty of both!

Luckily, with whisky family, there’s only laughter, tasting notes, and more laughter. And sage. Never forget the sage. As we’ve said before, whisky is all about connections and reconnecting. It’s the SuperGlue of this nice little community keeping us together like your thumb and forefinger that get stuck whilst trying to fix that stupid mug you got at Joe’s BBQ in Kansas City so many years ago, then clumsily whacked against the counter leaving you permanently gesturing “Ok” all in the name of home repair when you could easily order another stupid mug from Joe’s semi-secure website plus the embroidered apron and 20 lbs of ribs with a quart of Joe’s homemade BBQ sauce shipped overnight. Cheap bastard has to fix things himself and instead buys said self a night of acetone washes and a few layers of skin wonting.

Please sit back with a stellar whisky and enjoy our slide show of Whisky Jewbilee VI with actual overheard conversations using actual electronic surveillance equipment purchased over the internet along with detailed drawings of every North Korean nuclear power plant built in the last 25 years including the one that looks like a Starbucks…

“My fly is down. I can feel the breeze from the Hudson River.”

“Didn’t I tell you to check before we left the little boys room after you tinkled? Keep smiling; it’ll be over in 12 more clicks. How many photos does he need? I see vegetarian Kosher sausage that needs my attention!”

I can easily get into her purse and take her Blackberry. Wait, what am I going to do with a Blackberry? Is that even a thing anymore?  Probably only works in Canada.  I’ll take the garage door opener. Wait, why does she have a garage door opener in her purse?  She doesn’t even have a garage.  Juicy Fruit?!  Juicy Fruit?!  Oh, c’mon!  This is just silly.  Fine, I’ll take the damn Victorinox Outrider Damast Limited Edition pocket knife with Damascus steel and punctuated by robust and environmentally friendly black epicurean scales. She’ll never miss that.”

“I love your Instagram posts so much! I may cry! Please hug me. Please!”

“Throw the damn bottle already, would you?! I’ve caught them in my teeth many times!”

“If I had a dollar every time I heard that line, I’d be living in bloody California by now.”

“If you don’t throw the damn bottle, I’m going to whack Joshua over the head with a Kosher chorizo sausage!”

“Go ahead. Make my day.”

I see a little silhouetto of a man…
Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?
Thunderbolt and lightning!
Very, very frightening me…
(Galileo) Galileo…
(Galileo) Galileo…
Galileo Figaro…

“I was only expecting whisky at this thing, but singing too? Wow! He’s not bad. What d0 you guys think?”

“He’s no George Michael.”

“He’s no Adam Lambert.”

“He’s no Paul Rodgers.”

“He’s no Roy Rogers.”

“Mmmm. Roy Rogers. Let’s get burgers!”

“So this guy walks up to me. Says his name is G-LO. Now I don’t know this guy from Adam, yet he has the nerve to ask me where I got this glass. So I look this mook right in the eye and I tell it to him straight… I. Bought. The. Glass. With my own money. The guy just looks at me with this deer caught in the headlights expression on his face…I swear, they’ll let anyone in to this event. What ever happened to standards?”

“Wait, I’ll google it. Is there wi-fi in here? Whatever. There’s a store nearby where you can get a burgundy sports coat. We’ll look GREAT! Do you guys know any Wiggles songs?”

“I’ll smile for the camera, and you guys see how many of these that you can stuff into your pants.”

“High Five me! I just got Brenne into the White House liquor cabinet and it’s only going to cost us, the American taxpayer, $1.3 billion. We’re making America drink again!”

“I can’t tell you the code, but I can give you a code to get the code so you can get the recipe online which is in code. You’ll need a code for that too.”

“Ladies and gentleman, please welcome to the stage…Mr. Skyfab himself, Tom Jones!”

“Are you freaking kidding me?”

“I know. Captioning pictures wasn’t my idea, but how do you review the greatest whisky festival ever?!”

“Are you freaking kidding me?”

“Stop saying that.”

“Are you freaking kidding me?”

“You’re scaring me.”

“Get. Out!”

“You didn’t have to shove me in the chest.”

“Are you freaking kidding me?”

“I’m not wearing shoes because I’m a Texan and we do whatever you all are afraid to do. Wimps.”

“I know a guy downstairs looking for a burgundy sports coat. I bet he’d buy your blouse. I’ll text him. Do they have wi-fi in here?”

Two Gals and a Dork”. Season 1 available for streaming on Netflix this Friday.

“It’s whisky. W-h-i-s-k-y. Very popular these days, I dare say. Yes, you drink it. No, you don’t do shots of it. Yes, it’s brown, but that’s ok. No, it doesn’t have an expiration date. Yes, it’s alcohol. No, it’s not free. Yes, it might find you a wife. No, it won’t make you go blind. Yes, you buy it in stores, but not 7-11. No, there isn’t a special prize inside the box other than the whisky itself. Yes, I am above average height. No, I most certainly do not have an accent. Yes, if I opened the window and you leapt out, you would die. No, we wouldn’t stop Whisky Jewbilee for that. Yes, we would be sad. No, we wouldn’t give your goody bag to anyone except next of kin. Yes, I’ll hold your glass. No, you should try the whisky before you jump. No, I don’t think it’s a good decision but it’s an excellent whisky, now available in a better spirits shops near you. Yes, they mostly likely will take credit cards. No, not Discover. Yes, they’ll charge sales tax. No, I haven’t tried Apple Pay. Yes, mobile payment services would seem to be the wave of the future. No, I don’t know how it works, but I don’t believe there are tiny bank people in your phone. Yes, there are a lot people here. No, I don’t like sad songs. Yes, it does burn a little on the first taste. No, my name is not Glen Tauchers. Yes, those people are Jewish. No, it’s rude to point. Yes, they can smote you with one phone call. No, you can’t use my phone. Yes, I have an unlimited data plan. No, you can’t have the rest of the bottle. Yes, you’re my only customer. No, more customers will only make my job more difficult. Yes, the food is included in your ticket. No, there is no pork, shrimp, shark, barracuda, snails, lobster, crab, sea anemone, rabbit, wild boar, frog, owl, pelican, ferret, turtle, capybara, or dragon. Yes, there are napkins. No, I gave at the office. Yes, I will pour you a wee bit more. No, I can’t drink on the job. Yes, my zipper was down earlier. No, it’s not anymore. Yes, I think the woman pouring that whisky over there is very pretty. No, I don’t think she’ll be your wife. Yes, it never does hurt to ask. No, you’ll make a lovely couple. Yes, I’ll be your best man. No, there is no wi-fi.”

The Tipperary is the soft beating heart of a small quail by morning’s light. Tender and tame like a Joe Montana to Roger Craig quick, simple and accurate screen pass on 3rd and short from the scripted first fifteen Walsh-devised plays where delicate touch is required and oh, so soothing. But, KAPOW, like a Batman boffo belly aching upper cut, it hits with the rugged security of the Dark Knight covering the city with vinyl bat wings casting their omnipresent shadow over a city in need of love and protection from the evils that scourge its alleys and streets. The finish is Finis; abrupt like the snapping of an 8mm reel moving picture, the kind we slept through in elementary school while waiting for the warm sunlight of recess to bathe us anew.”

The Ohishi is
Distilled Rice not A-Roni duh
Haiku is funny”


Many thanks to Jason and Joshua of Single Cask Nation for once again hosting one of the greatest whisky shows that the world has ever seen!

5 replies »

  1. Weird. I heard none of this. If I didn’t know any better, I would think that you made all of this up. You wouldn’t lie to us, would you?


  2. It seems I missed another great event and an opportunity (wearing my Burgundy jacket) to join the new Boys to Drunken Men, to see Nick Fury sans eye patch pour whisky and to see the many great people that make up the community. Maybe next year!

    Liked by 1 person

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