Booze Banter

Booze Banter – Top 10 Uses for Orphaned Beer

Free beer is always good …. Right? WRONG!!  Not when that free beer is a marginally drinkable or undrinkable brew that was “orphaned” by a “friend” and is now taking up valuable space in your beer fridge.  So what do you do?  This post retells the “Orphaned Beer Story” and proposes 10 uses to exorcise the funky brew daemons from your brew storage area.

(Note:  This post was inspired by Paula a.k.a ” SimpleP” over at Cheers Beers.  Check out her blog for some great brew reviews and booze banter)

The Tale of the Orphaned Beer

‘Twas the summer of ’09 and a wonderful night,
my wife and my daughters were no where in sight.
For two weeks they were gone out to the West Coast,
so I invited the Booze Dancers over for sports and a toast.
The boys all came over with booze in their packs,
we watch a great game, drank beer, ate snacks.
It was a great evening full of lots of great beer,
but little did I know I had something to fear.
After the boys left I discovered there had been a crime,
my beer fridge was full of orphaned Bud Light Lime.
I couldn’t bring myself to throw this junk in trash,
after all it was “beer”and had been paid for, in cash.
So this is the tale how “Ophaned Beer” happened to me,
to learn uses for this crap keep reading to see.

So what do you do with beer that you cannot, will not, or at least should not drink?  It’s tough to bring yourself to throw it out, after all it is beer …. Drink of the Gods.  You need to find unique uses to not waste the orphaned brew that will bring purpose to its brewed existence.  Here are my top 10 ideas

Uses for Orphaned Beer

  1. Grill with it — if canned, cram that Bud Light Lime, or other offensive brew, up a chicken’s ass, add your favorite BBQ rub, and throw the brew and bird on the grill.  Click here for recipe
  2. Bake with it — I have some slightly off Smuttynose that a bit past it’s shelf life.  I have been meaning to use it in this Beer Bread Recipe from Three Many Cooks.
  3. Degrease an engine— This is LimpD’s suggestion. If you find that BLL actually removes gunky build up from your engine, let us know.
  4. Toga Toga Toga — Throw a Frat style party.  No one will care what the brew tastes like since they’re just there to get wasted.
  5. Re-orphan — Do unto others the crap was done unto you.  When the next opportunity presents itself slip that brew in some else’s fridge.  Preferably he who left it your fridge.
  6. Dare a friend — With enough peer pressure you can get anyone to drink anything.  (We have photos of our brew guru friend The Ale Monger drinking an orphaned BLL on a dare.  He’ll drink BLL, but won’t eat cheese … Wierd, no?)
  7. Wings Anyone? — If the beer isn’t too funky, how about a Chicken Wing Recipe?  Our friend Don at the Beer and Whiskey Bros has a great recipe.  (Read the PostGet the Recipe).
  8. Bug Repellent — Use the funky brew to keep bugs off your lawn and plants.  Read the instruction here.
  9. Polish your Bling –Don’t bother buying expensive store-bought cleaners. Drop your rings and other trinkets into a dish of the crappy beer, then remove and polish to a beautiful sheen using a dry cloth.
  10. The Nuclear Option — DRINK IT.  Man up!  It’s beer after all and beer is like sex.  Even bad sex/beer is better than no sex/beer!

So which Booze Dancer committed the “Orphaned Beer” crime?  I’ll never tell … oh wait I already did, check out my comments to G-LO’s Lagavulin 16 review to find out.  And remember friends don’t let friends drink bad beer.

10 replies »

  1. There really is no excuse to buy bad beer. Even if money’s tight, there are reasonably priced alternatives to the mass produced swill that some folks call beer. And thanks to our friends at Oskar Blues, 21st Amendment, Sly Fox, and a few others, good beer doesn’t always have to come in a glass bottle. Craft beer is now pool, beach, and lakeside friendly, so no need to worry about bare feet and broken glass.

    Nice post by the way. Hilarious in fact!

    And here’s a little gift from your 12 year-old girl fanclub….

    🙂 😀 😛 😎 😦 😉


  2. Ah yes, the beer that someone left at your house during a BBQ and you’re too repulsed to drink it. Luckily I have a few friends that consider beer is beer and are excited when you hand them a beer regardless of how cheap it is.

    But a bug repellent and jewelery cleaner? I had no idea beer could do that!


    • Beer can do so many things. Repel bugs, clean jewelery, make ugly people look hot. It is amazing …… It is the cause of and solution to most of life’s little problems.


    • Paula,

      While we certainly appreciate your kind words, I must ask you not to praise the Wookie. It just fans his enormous ego and we still have to live with him.



    • Paula — Thanks for the post idea, I’m glad you liked it. The suggestion just hit me at the right time and I went with it.

      The Wookie


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